“I actually attack the concept of happiness. The idea that - I don’t mind people being happy - but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. It’s a really odd thing that we’re now seeing people saying “write down 3 things that made you happy today before you go to sleep”, and “cheer up” and “happiness is our birthright” and so on. We’re kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position - it’s rubbish. Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don’t teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say “Quick! Move on! Cheer up!” I’d like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word “happiness” and to replace it with the word “wholeness”. Ask yourself “is this contributing to my wholeness?” and if you’re having a bad day, it is.”—Hugh Mackay (via illusionnistes)
I feel this strong sense of urgency to be near the people I love in case something happens, and while I still have the chance. I’m worried about my dear friend, but I don’t want to overwhelm her. I feel like I’m flailing trying to hang on to something.. Then suddenly I stop to breathe, and the weight of my heart pulls me back down. The sting of mortality burns, as if to brand. Lying down motionless until I start to fidget again. Every detail feels more important, and who knows if anything is here to stay. Time is the friend and the enemy. I never will forget how I found refuge in those moments. Someone I could call when I got scared.
I thought her lace gloves were so cool. I got a pair of my own and cut the fingers off, and painted my nails black. Just like Jenna. The big sister I never had. And a great actual sister.
The urgency oscillates. The day keeps going by in common time, but somehow things look different. More, or less sincere. And the stillness revisits.